Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
