I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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