HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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