I just pynch a tree in the face
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
