your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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