Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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