I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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