I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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