I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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