Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
