I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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