life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
