Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
