What a dumb baby whore.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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