He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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