I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
