This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
