I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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