I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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