im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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