I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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