I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
