I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't deserve a penis
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Randomize
