I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
