So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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