Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
