I skipped work to stalk him.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
