do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
