This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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