You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
