Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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