If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
