After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed