what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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