i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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