I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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