Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
