Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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