I only kidnapped one of them. chill
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
