So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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