Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
