The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She needs sedatives and a leash
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
