im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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