he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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