just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
