Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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