She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
