Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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