I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
