Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
