and she was petting her beer can
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
