I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
