i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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