I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
