just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
