Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
